Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why Women Play Games

Women use men to validate their sexuality while men use women to satiate theirs.

— Xenocrates
She's having more fun than they think they are.
There are many situations I've heard of where guys complain that romance often feels like a game of sorts. Why can't a guy simply approach a woman and indicate his intentions without having to jump through hoops and play these silly (perhaps even childish) mind games? Of a truth, women do appear to play needless mind games, but who says you have to play along?


Why do women like to play cock tease? Romance gurus are often no help. They make it seem really complicated. They often make it appear as though women are like highly sophisticated sheep that require a complex algorithm to figure out. Are women really that complicated? Far from it. If you've ever had trouble wooing a woman, you may not be doing something wrong.

Girl Psychology

First you need ask yourself this question: Why are men inclined to be cocky? It doesn't even matter where in the world you go, you will always find guys who are cocky and every man has that potential. It is wired into our DNA. That is partly why men largely still rule the world.

Now for the same reason, why is it that women are constantly concerned about their self image? Think about it. How many remarkably, jaw dropping, amazingly, insanely, impossibly hot women have you ever met, who for some inexplicable reason believe they are somehow:
  1. Not pretty
  2. Not hot
  3. Too fat
  4. [insert favourite self depreciating complaint here]
Too many right? It seems pretty ridiculous in comparison to the fact that you will find even guys with a pot belly who still have amazing levels of self esteem. You don't find that with great regularity in women except in specific scenarios. So why is it that men have a greater propensity of having high self esteem (irrespective of their appearance) while women don't? The simple answer is, that it's a part of their psychology. In other words, they're hard wired that way. Thus it's a standard feature of female psychology. This explains several phenomena:
  1. Why hot chicks complain about their image.
  2. Why women would stay with abusive lovers or deadbeat fathers.
  3. Why women in relationships often complain that they are not loved.
  4. Why women are statistically quoted as being happier when in relationships.
  5. Why many women are still depressed even when they're young, successful & single.
Can you see a recurring trend here? If not, allow me to make this even more lucid. Consider the items listed below. Now compare them to the corresponding numbers from the list above:
  1. Have you ever had a female friend ask you if she looks "fat" in a particular outfit or if she has a nice [insert body part here]? She's not asking you to tell her the truth. She's asking you to make her feel better.
  2. Have you ever wondered why an intelligent, educated young woman would repeatedly get pregnant for the same dead beat father? 9 out of 10 times these women either never had a father around themselves or that dead beat dad was a very good lyricist.
  3. Has your wife or girlfriend ever asked you that frustratingly annoying question out of the blue: "Do you love me?" or accused you of not loving her at all? It's usually because you haven't filled their daily quota of being reminded.
  4. Have you ever wondered why some women get clingy in a relationship and say stuff like "You complete me" waay too soon? They actually mean what they say. They need completion.
  5. Have you ever heard of women "putting their lives on hold for a man" or "waiting to exhale"?
All of these are for exactly the same reason. It's self esteem. Women generally tend to have a lower sense of self esteem than men. Those who don't are usually single and very happy. The latter are usually those who will tell their gal pals that "you don't need a man to complete you" while the former fires back with "I have already got a man — you're just looking for company".
The psychological factors that create both scenarios are exactly the same. One type of woman is fighting against her DNA while the other her fate. The insecurity powers them both.

So what is so special about men that would create this difference? We're cocky - for the most part, so most of our self esteem is generated naturally. Men were biologically engineered like that. So using an electrical metaphor, men are like emotional batteries and women are like emotional loads. These insecurities abate in women who receive considerable male attention.

For the same reason, you will find more emotionally balanced women who have had loving, doting fathers in their lives. Women who have pro-actively doting husbands never ask that "do you love me" or similarly annoying questions. Women with positive self esteem never get clingy. Women who find love early tend to generally have a more positive outlook on life.

Self esteem is a major driving factor in the behaviour of many women – and this is also a key ingredient to why women play games during the initial phases of courtship. It is the same motivation that incites some women to show off their sex appeal in several impractical ways.

Whether they wear a controversially short skirt to work, sexually appeal to men they have no intention of sleeping with, incessantly play the role of a cock tease or even strip naked for a centerfold — women love to validate their sexuality. Every woman likes to know that at least one man finds her attractive — even if all it amounts to is just another inappropriate cat call.

When you commend a woman on her dress or her appearance, even if you have no sexual intentions toward her at all, it is usually very well received and you will quite probably earn her affection when you were just being a good guy. Try it on some unsuspecting woman at the surpermarket or at work and see what I mean. Their responses will always be the same.

Mind Games

Woman flirting at workNow that you know why they do it, now let's talk about one of the ways they do it: Mind games. So do women play mind games? Heck yes! Are mind games necessary? Short Answer: Only when they don't really want to play for keeps.

Usually when a woman meets a man for the first time, she immediately decides within the first 5 minutes whether or not she's ever going to make love to him. That decision is usually permanent. Whatever follows is a just charade where he effectively becomes her disposable emotional dildo.

Now understand this; If you run into a woman that likes to play games, two things are true: 1. She likes you enough to keep you around as a part of her stash of men designed to satisfy her fickle emotional needs (the more the merrier), 2. She doesn't think that you're annoying enough to turn away.

The game she plays is not one that you can win. That's the first thing you need to understand. She knows that, but you don't. She plays the game by giving you hope (where there is none). Then you respond accordingly by enacting pursuit (when in truth, there's nothing to pursue). This gives her that sexual validation she needs (hey, I'm still hot - this guy wants me) without her having to surrender anything to you. You're basically expendable.

Complain about it, and you'll be quickly deprecated.

When a woman meets a guy that she wants, usually, he has very little to do to get to third base. In fact, men with integrity usually loose interest in a woman who gives it up too soon. When a woman meets a guy that she doesn't want, if he is a nice guy, she'll use him as her sexual validation tool, her intellectual whore, her psychological vibrator, her emotional penis.

So if you're pursuing a woman that is playing with your head, giving you mixed signals, turning you on and then withdrawing at the last minute, she's basically using you to masturbate her psycho-sexual appetite. The only vagina you're gonna get, is the one made in your right palm.

Now while every woman knows they have this capacity, not everyone of them is aware of the fact that they're doing it. In fact, these women would go as far as to take a man's money, his heart, his time and use it to validate her sexuality without giving him so much as a peck on the cheek in return. They are not doing this to be cruel or selfish – well, not most of them anyway.

I mean, let's be rational about this. If you had a bunch of women who would gladly join a line to have sex with you, would you necessarily go out there and tell all of them that you do not love them, and that you only want to have sex with them? Nope. You're probably not going to do it. Similarly, these women will keep their nice guys around to give them all the emotional validation they could ever need, using them without conscience, wantonly and indiscriminately.

Women use men to validate their sexuality in much the same way that men use women to satiate theirs. That's why we have the expression that women want just one man to fulfill all their needs, while men want all women to fulfill their one need. I only say this to frame the situation fairly so you can also see what this situation would correspondingly look like for men.

Men do use women too — but it is not quite as inconspicuous or even duplicitous. At least every woman knows what's on every man's mind when he looks at her. It is far more difficult for men to do the same. So men who decide to be decent are really at a tactical disadvantage. But let us get back to the issue at hand, lest you start wondering whose side I'm batting for.

How to Address this Problem

There are two ways to address this:
  1. Play along
  2. Clean cut
Having the talk.Most women prefer option one. However, you don't have to play their game. You're the guy here, so the onus is upon you to seize control of the play. You can really mix this up is where you play the same game - but you have to keep the ball in your court at all times. This way, you could convert her emotional play into genuine attraction.

Women are emotional sponges. If they know they can go to a particular guy to charge their emotional reservoir (only to walk away once they're satiated), they will keep doing it over and over again until he looses the appeal.

If you are a little sadistic and you don't mind exploiting the attention, the best way to give these playful girls a taste of their own medicine is to give them none of what they require. Whenever they flirt, don't flirt back. Give dry sarcastic responses. When they begin to tease, suddenly switch to an unrelated activity – like making a phone call.

If she has an attractive female coworker or any pretty girlfriends, go right for the jugular and flirt with them instead. When the jealousy sets in (and I guarantee you, it will), you can decide whether you want to use it to your advantage and extract more than just attention from her or playfully belittle her attempts. Don't worry about being mean. Women love their bad boys.

They can't get enough.

But that's not the mature thing to do and I don't want to encourage any of you to become yet another stone cold vagina trophy hunters. The right thing to do is to simply make a clean cut.

This option requires a lot of guts to recognize it and a lot of discipline to actually pull it off. In concept, it's pretty simple actually. It's about cutting off her dependency on you (thus saving yourself some emotional trauma in the process). You just have to call her on it – declare that you know what she is up to and that you do not appreciate the many exploitative gestures.

Don't inject any of the "I still think you're attractive/pretty" stuff. That's the sort of thing that could be misinterpreted as false denial. You have to be pretty firm about it, because if you're dealing with a girl who likes to play mind games, chances are, she'll think you're just playing hard to get. This is especially important if you are already seeing someone, are permanently engaged or most importantly, are only interested in looking for a more serious relationship.

You have to recognise that women who play mind games already have self esteem issues and that is the primary reason why they manifest this sort of behaviour. You have to remember that this behaviour is only a manifestation of a form of immaturity and you should never seek to take advantage of it. You may just pick up a clinger in the process - and no man wants that.

The Afterward

If you've made a clean break (which I expect you would have if you were even reading this in the first place), there will be a period of awkwardness - especially if her intentions for playing weren't genuine. Usually this is where where she avoids contact (especially eye contact), keeps her responses to very short phrases, no longer laughs at your jokes, or just walks the other way if she sees you coming. This is just a manifestation of her palpable embarrassment.

Don't worry about it. Stick to your guns. She'll come around and have a great deal of respect for you afterward. Don't forget, women like men with spine - even if that means diffusing her psychological playtime. If she doesn't come around, then consider that she has let you off easily. Pat yourself on the shoulders. It just means that you've done yourself a huge favour.

If however in the less probable event that the woman was playing because she genuinely wanted to be pursued, you will not run into this awkwardness problem. In fact, you may have to pry her off you with a crow bar if you pulled it off smoothly. I cannot say it often enough. Women love a man with spine. Can you imagine a man who has so much spine that he would cut down a woman's mind gaming even if it means delaying or snuffing the probability of sex? 

That's the kind of man any woman can respect. 

If you're the kind of man who doesn't stand up for bullshit, even from a woman, then it speaks volumes about your maturity as an eligible male. She interprets that as a man that she can't control easily. She interprets that as a man who will be strong for her when others present similar types of BS. She interprets that as a man who is self disciplined, mature and ready for a more realistic relationship. All women find that very sexually attractive. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, unplugging a woman's mind games is doing you more favours than you realise.

E-mail: accordingtoxen[at]gmail[dot]com


  1. The author's right. I desperately chased a woman forever . She emotionally used me for her own psychocrap, and I felt depressed about it for 4-5 months. Just this week, I was feeling the same stuff coming with a girl I was chasing. The your'e nice, but I don't want a relationship with you, but I'll still flirt with you like crazy. I cut a clean break, and she was so desperate to be friends and all that. Maybe she'll come around, but I'm not going to waste my heart to find out. I'm certain she has some very serious self-esteem issues so I'll probably avoid her. Still, she's pretty hot, but I won't tell her that anymore. It seems like she has no girl friends so she uses her sexuality to attract men for the sexual attention and into the roles that her girl friends would play. Two birds, one stone: We make her feel about her beauty and play the gay(no offense intended. Guys just aren't interested in that kind of relationship with a girl they are interested in.) friend. Lose, freaking lose.

  2. wow! very insightful post.i especially appreciate the part where you actually acknowledge that there do exist women with high self esteem who may be single (usually by choice) AND happy!you are a self-proclaimed eccentric person,so i really appreciate your "different"take on some of these age old questions. also, i cannot help but be happy to read such an erudite blog by an african american male, as it helps to dispell much of the constant criticism thrown at this particular demographic. you are refreshingly self aware, and i like it that you are able to say WHY you think or feel a certain way or HOW you came to different conclusions based upon personal experience, keen observation, and sometimes scientific data (as opposed to ONLY quoting some supposedly scientific sounding facts and figures). keep it up!

  3. hmm.. very insightful post, xen. i can use this knowledge to reshape my gameplan >:D. anyway, i believe that women's trait, clingy or not, long play or straight-to-the-point play, etc can be differentiated by their astrological sign: feminine or masculine sign they have.

    hi from Bali, Indonesia